Wilderness

This Sunday we heard a gospel lesson about Jesus being tempted by the devil in the wilderness. I was inspired to preach about how we are tempted to believe that God has abandoned us when we feel that we are in the wilderness but the promise of our baptism is that God never leaves us, no matter what.

Tim was helpful to point out at one point leading up to Sunday that I was more than likely preaching to myself more than anything else and I have to agree with him. We are indeed in a kind of wilderness as we leave one community of faith and begin to live in another. In the midst of this change we have experienced a range of emotions and have been trying to find the evidence of God in the midst of it all.

I have so many questions racing through my mind this week in between calls. Wondering if it was the right time to leave the first call. Questioning if this is the place where God has called me to be. Wanting to believe that we can trust those who guide this process even when we are feeling less than sure that we can. Worried about the move (not just because of the impending snow storm) and if it will be good for Tim and I as we are more removed from the things we depend on for a well-rounded life. In the midst of all of this change we are called to trust that our anxieties are heard by God as prayer and that those prayers will be answered in God's time. We live in this hope because of our baptism and the promises made and fulfilled in Jesus' death and resurrection.

Hopefully the move will go well, and as planned, and while we live into this season of Lent we will find Easter hope in what God has promised.

Transition

Today was the last day of my first call. I woke up earlier than usual (on time) and was at the church by 7:30am. I was feeling uneasy about how to handle the whole day. I anticipated being emotional about the last day in a place that has taught me so many things. I was able to push down the emotions for most of the morning which allowed me to preach effectively and be gracious about their congratulations and best wishes. At the final benediction I was starting to feel tired and let some tears flow. It felt good to be able to maturely handle this big transition and still convey my love and prayers for this community as they remain there and I continue ministry in a new place.

We packed up my office this week and were able to move it all into the new office this afternoon. It was weird to hand in one set of keys only to be given a new set for a new church and home (the parsonage) within the hour. Our house is in a state of upheaval as we begin to have more of our belongings packed away than not. Each day we are closer to being ready for the movers to arrive at 8am on Friday morning. We are entering this move with some fear and trepidation for what God has in store for us. Change in this vocation is inevitable but we will be in an extended liminal state for this year as we (and the new congregation) discern God's call for each of us. Tim is disappointed that this new church does not have an active choir as one of his passions and sources of faith is in being able to sing hymns and lead the assembly in praising God in song. I am looking forward to having some more freedom in ministry and being in what seems like a less demanding parish. Perhaps it will give me time to read more and blog my thoughts more often.

While I am not especially gifted at writing I do see value in being able to write down ideas to share with others. Blogging is a way to express those thoughts in written form but that can also spur conversation about the topic. I hope to be able to read more often as well. There are so many books that I would love to have time to dig into. If I find time to do so I will be sure to blog my thoughts about them here.

So this transition is in full swing. We will soon be in a new place with new surroundings and new people. We pray that God would be present for all involved in this transition and allow us to see grace and love in the midst of what seems like the wilderness.

Third Time's the Charm

Well the blog-gods were not on my side earlier this evening. I was attempting to blog from my brand new Palm Treo and after I wrote out the post, twice, I could not successfully click the "publish post" button and therefore could not share my words with the world.

Life is going well right now. We are excited to have our new kittens home with us. We named them Marty and Phil, in honor of Martin Luther and Philip Melancthon, and each has his own, distinct, personality. Marty is outgoing and a trouble maker when he is not sleeping on the couch between Tim and I. Phil spends most of the day under the bed in our second bedroom only coming out to eat or when Marty chases him around.

Thanksgiving was a circus. We hit 3 houses in about 6 hours and saw a lot of family. It's so hard to be this far away when the rest of our families are so close together. One good thing was that some of us had just seen each other at my Dad's wedding (which was fine) and so we were a bit more relaxed with each other. It was a good day overall and definitely helped with the sadness that I had about missing my Mom and Aunts.

Now we are gearing up for Advent and Christmas. December is going to be a whirlwind right until the end. From youth group events, LTSP Advent Vespers, my installation on the 16th, Advent, Christmas and the regular work that comes with the job we will be going non-stop. Hopefully we will be able to stop and enjoy the season a bit as well. As of December 23 Tim and I will have been together for 4 years and it seems like the time has just flown by.

I will try to post some pictures of the kittens soon as well as my thoughts on the season of Advent - of which I have many.

Until then, Come, Lord Jesus.

So now that my brother has weighed in on the drama that is "Thanksgiving '07" I figured that I would add my two, or three, cents to the conversation - on in this case 'blogersation' (that should totally be a word).

The fall is always tough for my family. We have lots of fond memories of birthdays, anniversaries, and, of course, the holidays. All of these occasions were opportunities for watching football, drinking beer and eating way too much onion dip while women chatted about movies, TV, and fighting over who had a better kitchen gadget and the men hid in the TV room until dinner. It is true, as my brother says, that these gatherings had their own sense of warmth and tradition that helped us to really appreciate our family in a way we might not have otherwise.

With the loss of my Mom, my Aunt Debbie, and my Aunt Karen we are now left with a gaping whole in our lives and, subsequently, our traditions. I can't say that I ever thought about how those traditions would work when we started getting married and such but I am not sure they could get any worse than they are now. And I am sure that I never thought about what would happen if my Dad got remarried at some point. The ramifications of such a union are putting a tremendous strain on my brother and I's ability to hold onto what little remains of our traditions and puts us both in a position of having to choose to be with our Dad or with the rest of our family for holidays, in particular, Thanksgiving.

What is the hardest to understand is my Father's inability to recognize our (me and Ian's) need to be with our cousins. Our family is now unique in that all of my cousins share the same pain, burden, experience of losing our mothers. When something that tragic occurs the only way to gain some kind of perspective is to be with others who have also experienced this kind of loss. My cousin Jenn is trying, without my Dad's help, to establish some kind of tradition to help us all cope with the sadness that now accompanies the holidays. My Dad, though, has been unhelpful with this effort and is making it harder than it has to be to remain a family.

This kind of situation only makes me miss my Mom more and wish that my Dad could somehow understand how much he is hurting the rest of the family. He thinks we should all just get over the loss and move on like he has. Unfortunately, that is impossible for us because whether we liked her all of the time or not, she was our Mother, and that loss is devastating - no matter how old or young you are.

So hopefully we will have a good day and the family will be able to cope with our usual dosage of football, beer, and onion dip even if those who we want to enjoy those things with are gone.

We have been promised life from death and light in the darkness - as the dark grows and the light fades it is now that we need to see life and know the strength of our faith in Christ. Advent is still 3 weeks away but this prayer remains in my heart.

Come, Lord Jesus.

Apple Picking

We went apple picking with the Bruesehoffs a few days ago and we, surprisingly, remembered to take some pictures of our adventures.

It was a beautiful day and the apples were fun to pick right off the tree.

Tim and I really got the hang of finding the best apples.

We ended up picking over 17 pounds of apples!

Ben had a great time picking, and eating, the apples.
He also tried to eat a whole pumpkin - luckily it was unsuccessful!

After a long day at the farm it was time to take out apples and go home!

I still have not found the time to bake the pie I planned on but it was a great adventure!

Fire and Brimstone

I was trying to wait until I had a photo before I blogged about church today but I should tell the story now before I forget the details.

History: The congregation I serve has a large population of small children. We also have a lot of parents who help out in various ways throughout the church. During our 3 worship services on Sunday we have a lot of people running around trying to make the worship and Sunday School happen. Keeping track of all of these children is often difficult.

Today: In addition to our regular worship schedule (8, 9:15 and 11:15AM) they youth group was hosting a pancake breakfast to benefit a local homeless ministry from 8am to noon. More folks than usual were in the building and running around trying to get things done. The first service had already run 1o minutes over and so we were trying to shave minutes from the second in order to preserve the 35 minute window that we devote to Christian Education (another blog topic for the future).

I had just started the sermon with a quick children's message and I was interrupted by the fire alarm. Yes, the fire alarm. My first thought was that we had a pancake incident in the kitchen but no one was running from Luther Hall in flames. It was immediately apparent that we would have to evacuate the building just to be safe. The timing could not have been more terrible as I had all of the children at the altar with me and minor chaos ensued as they jumped at the alarm and quickly ran to their parents as we evacuated.

As we made our way out of the building Pr. Ellison, the senior pastor, began to make his way to the power shut off and I gathered some chairs for our older folks who would need to sit down once outside. As we left the building someone yelled from upstairs that they saw where the problem was and that there was a small fire in the school teacher's lounge. Our congregation is blessed to have at least two ranking fire professionals among our leadership - one of which was the reader for the second service. He took charge and ran up to the problem.

The worshippers and I made our way across the parking lot and got out of the way for the coming rescue departments. Pr. Ellison came out of the building with a quick report about the small fire and that it was now under control and the building was safe. He did not want to return to the building until the fire department gave the OK so suggested that we continue with worship in the parking lot - beginning with the sermon...

Throughout this whole experience I was sure that we had just lost the whole morning as a result of this emergency. When Pr. Ellison suggested that I try to preach in the parking lot I was quite skeptical and was unsure that it would be a good idea. Honestly, I was scared that it would end up being me trying to keep everyone's attention over the backdrop of fire trucks and police and doubting that the Word would not be heard. I should know better than to doubt God by now.

It was pretty amazing. I started as the fire trucks pulled up and continued through the distractions going on behind me. I knew the sermon because I had preached two times already but it flowed out of me in a way that both distracted from and gave perspective to the situation at hand. I hesitate to make the comparison for obvious reasons, but for that time I began to know what it might have felt like to be one of those ten lepers calling out to Jesus begging for help and mercy. Help did come in the form of a captive audience and communion celebrated on a folding table on the asphalt. If there was ever a day to talk about God coming to us in extraordinary ways this was certainly the day.

At the end of the outdoor worship a small voice cried, "I'm Sorry!". It was the 6 year old who caused the fire. He had been in the teachers lounge and put a roll of paper towels into the microwave and turned it on. Pr. Ellison asked the assembly if they would forgive the child and they all confirmed that they would. Pr. Ellison laid hands on the child and absolved him of his sins. It was a moving scene and yet one that begged the question as to why the child was not being supervised. I can only imagine the conversations that will come from this incident concerning parental responsibility and the new rules that can be imposed on parents who are doing their best.

We were able to move back into the worship space for the final service of the morning. I was definitely hesitant to start the children's sermon but the alarm remained silent. The running joke of the morning was that I should have preached fire and brimstone in light of the events but what I hope was more apparent than the fire was the ability of this community to continue to worship in light of the world around them.

Someone did take pictures of the event so I will post them when I get the chance.

The youth breakfast also resumed and raised $1100 for the local homeless ministry.

My First Wedding

Yesterday, I was thrust into the unexpected and glorious work of ministry.  I was enjoying the lovely Labor Day party that Tim and I were hosting when all of a sudden the phone rang.  Now, ever since we moved the phone has been ringing off the hook with telemarketers and we have been screening the calls using our caller id.  Tim went to the phone and when he answered it I knew it couldn't be good.  Only people who don't have our cell phone numbers call the house and that means that it was probably someone from the church.

I heard Tim say, "Yes, she is here, just a moment" and my heart sank.  Has one of our members died?  Is there an emergency?  What could this call be about?

When I got to the phone and said hello a woman named Mary was on the other end and her voice was panicked.  Her mother was dying at the hospital.  Immediately, I was sent back to my own experience of my mother dying and had to fight back those memories in order to be present for this woman.  She began to explain that she had been engaged to a man for two years and had kept putting off the wedding for various reasons.  Her mother was now asking that they get married before she died, it was her dying wish to see them wed.  

Let me pause to let you in on what was going on in my head at that moment.  I have never done a wedding before.  I have no idea what I would have to do in order to actually perform this wedding.  I am not ordained - should I tell them?  I have a house full of people - do I just leave them?  What the heck am I supposed to do???

So I listened more as Mary told me about her mother and the last two weeks that had brought the news of inoperable late stage cancer for her mother.  The family was devastated at the news of their strong Irish mother being so ill so fast.  She sounded regretful that she had let numerous opportunities to marry slip by.  It also sounded like she should be distrought for a lifetime if she was not able to fulfill this dying wish.

She admitted that they did not have the proper paperwork from the state and that we would have to meet again later to complete those papers to make the marriage legal but that the ceremony was really what meant the most to her mother.

So I quickly weighed the situation and decided that it was best to throw on some clerics and get myself to the hospital - I was going to officiate at my first wedding.  I did inform this woman that it was, indeed, my first time performing the ceremony but she did not seem to mind one bit.  I am still envious of the faith she had in someone she had never met and had found by chance.

So I ran to the church to grab my Occasional Services book and a Bible before I headed to the hospital.  I, of course, remembered the room number wrong and got a little lost before I found the group of family gathering in the lounge.  Mary was wearing a white sundress that she had bought that day and Jeff, her husband to be, was in a button down shirt and slacks.  Jeff had found rings that afternoon and they even had some champagne set up for a small reception after the ceremony.  

A note about the family.  Mary had said on the phone that she came from an Irish Catholic family and that since she and Jeff were previously married they were not permitted to be married in the Catholic church.  I worried as I walked into the hospital that they might not welcome a female pastor into the situation but I was warmly greeted by everyone.  Her brothers were wearing Guinness t-shirts and the hospital room was decorated with all kinds of pictures and Irish sayings.  They brought home to that place for her and it was beautiful.

One of Mary's brother's plays the bagpipes in a band and had just come from a competition that day.  He had a recorded bagpipe version of "Amazing Grace" was played as the processional and recessional. 

It was clear that this family was close and that they had been waiting for something like this to bring some joy in the midst of their pain.  

I quickly went over the details with Jeff and Mary.  They picked a reading from Ecclesiastes chapter 3 (the text that inspired the song "Turn, Turn, Turn" by the Byrds) which I thought was very appropriate for this moment in the family's life.

Mary's mother was too ill to leave her bed so we had the ceremony in her hospital room.  We stood so that she could see every moment of her daughter's wedding.  To be honest, the whole thing is a blur.  I know that we did everything that needed to be done for the wedding to look official.  As I looked at Mary and Jeff, though, I knew that they could not have been happier in a church or a hall than they were in that hospital room.  They had a familiar gaze that I know I shared with Tim when we were married.  That hospital room became a holy place as we witnessed God's grace in the love of these two people and in the presence of Mary's mother.  

After the wedding was over champagne was flowing and the celebration began.  Someone had brought two brownies that Mary's mother had made to represent wedding cake.  There were numerous toasts to the couple and the family.  For a moment they were allowed to be joyful and know that God is indeed with this family.  

Before I departed I spoke briefly with Jeff and Mary.  We discussed future plans to make their marriage official and they expressed their deep thanks for my coming on a holiday.  It was I, though, who had become thankful for this couple and this entire family.  There have not been too many times in the last two months where I have been able to clearly see God working in the lives of the people that I work with and this moment was life giving for me. 

This call to ministry is more than one to the members of St. Thomas.  It is a call to ministry at all times and in all places.  Sometimes we can get too distracted and blinded by the local congregation and become unable to see the world outside.  I thank God for breaking into that sometimes small and closed off community and giving opportunities for witnessing faith in unexpected and mysterious places.  

So that is the story of my first wedding.  Crazy as it may sound, it's all true.  

Home "Improvements"

Hey everyone, there have been a lot of 'improvements' on the home front lately. We have recently been blessed with a gaping hole in front of our house and a few other additions.

The hole is for the new drain pipe which we are sure would have been helpful in the torrential downpour that we had last week.

On the good side our driveway has received a fresh coating of gravel/rocks and a fun reflective construction horse..

The "Big Dig" takes up most of our block.

Here is Tim standing next to our mailbox that was removed from the ground and propped up against our fence. Needless to say the mail people have had some adventures getting our mail into the box - or they just don't deliver our mail.

On a side note - I am not sure why the picture is still sideways but if you would just turn your head you will see that the mailbox is now taller than Tim.




This is our current pride and joy - the grill. It has a cool side burner for sauces and such.


Being able to get a grill has been one of our favorite parts of this place. We have already cooked quite a few things and are looking forward to more great tasting food.





Another addition has been this great Fire Pit. We know that its a bit trendy but we are both harboring some pyromania tendencies and could not pass up the opportunity to have a place to make our own fire.

We are looking forward to cooking some 'smores on this in the near future






Finally, we added some festive lighting to our deck. We like to pretend that we are partying like rock stars whether its just us or a group of folks on the deck.

We are also hoping that rock stars shop at Target for their twinkle lights.







In Other News...


Tim and I went to the NJ Motor Vehicle Commission to transfer the titles and re-register our cars. We also had to get new license plates and by pure accident we ended up being in line right after one another and wound up with matching license plates.


So now we have matching cars and matching license plates... SUPER!

We hope that you liked the pictures of our recent "improvements". If you have suggestions for future improvements please let us know.


For those of you who like to watch know the future upcoming blog subjects will include "Brake Light Love", "Report from Counting Crows Concert", "Top Ten Reasons why the Wedding Thank-Yous are not finished" and "One Year of Marriage down, only a lifetime to go..."
Stay tuned.

Pictures of our House!!

Hey Everyone! Here are a few pictures of our house in Toms River. We are currently renting it so we can't paint or anything but we are working on decorating the best we can.

This is the front and driveway.
Yes, we have matching cars but it was completely by accident!

Here is a side view of the house which also shows the small deck.


Master Bedroom

Guest Bedroom

Bathroom - it's actually pretty big and
has a counter storage space to the right of this picture

Living Room

Another shot of the living room

Kitchen - we are so happy to have more than 4 cabinets and 1 drawer!

Our Ikea kitchen table and portable dishwasher that can cannot use...
(the hookup doesn't match the faucet on the sink!)

This is our favorite part of the house!
Our dock in the back yard is great to hangout on!
The water is from the Barnegat Bay.

Here is another shot of the dock/backyard.
We are planning to get some cool outdoor furniture
and a grill so that we can really enjoy the space.



I hope you liked the pictures of our house! I will blog more about the new job soon.

I am posting from a Widget!

I think its great that I can now blog from a small window on my Mac dashboard.  All you PC users better be jealous - at least until Microsoft creates a similar program for your desktop.  

The reality is that it is more likely that no one is going to read this since I have not blogged since October and that was a sad story about Free Cell.  

Life has been brighter since that day and now Tim and I are getting ready to move to a new home and phase of our life.  I have received a call to a church in Brick, NJ and it will prove to be both a blessing and a challenge.  We are moving into a great little house on the bay and are hoping to host a few friends there.  Hopefully we will be able to post some pictures soon.

We are headed to Avalon, NJ this coming week for vacation with Tim's family.  Hopefully it will be relaxing and a nice time at the beach before the real work begins at the church.

I am hoping to blog more often now and think that I have successfully found a way in which to safely vent about life since no one even reads this blog and when you google search my name it doesn't come up :).

With hopes for more blogs to come,
Am 

It's a sad day...

Today was a sad day for me. A quest that I was on was abruptly ended with a click of a mouse and a feeling of shock and disappointment. Today, I accidentally hit the 'New Game' button during an active, unfinished game of Free Cell sending my streak of 4751 wins in a row back down to zero. I was only 249 wins away from my goal of 5000.

There were so many instances where I could have given up. That game that took me more than half an hour to figure out. The games that I realized that I was too tired to finish and felt that I needed to push through anyway. After all of that perserverance and concentration it was all taken away with an accidental click of a mouse.

For a moment I considered giving up the whole enterprise and filling the time that I had spent playing Free Cell doing something else like reading for class, calling my friends, learning how to bake a pie, or even writing those wedding Thank-You cards that keep staring me in the face. But something tugged at my fingers and lead me to play the next game and to keep pursuing my goal - only 4999 games to go.

Other than this major disappointment today things have been a bit stressful these days. I was an idiot to take 5 courses right after internship but I guess I will be happier when I only have 4 next semester. For now I am usually in the apartment reading or writing another paper while trying to find a balance between all that we have to do in the course of just one week. Married life is great, don't get me wrong, but it would be greater if I had less homework :).



My birthday is on Wednesday and while I am excited to be 26 part of me would rather forget that it's my birthday and move on with life. October has been one of my most favorite months since before I can remember but in the last two years it has been less than stellar. My Mom died on Oct 10, 2004 and my Aunt died Oct 17, 2004 (yup, a week apart) and then one of my most beloved Theology professors at Valpo, Dr. David Truemper, lost his battle with colon cancer on Oct 30 in the same year. So all three of these very important people were lost in the same month in the same year and so October just doesn't have the same spirit for me as it had in the past. But I am taking things one day at a time and letting myself embrace the feelings of loss and pain that accompany this month while still finding joy in the fact that I am now married to the most wonderful man on the planet and that I can still enjoy my birthday even if I can't enjoy it with my Mom.

I promise to post more in the future.

Too Long

You know that it's been too long since you have blogged when you almost forget what your user name and password is for the site.

Well a lot has happened since my last post in July. I went to San Antonio, TX for the ELCA National Youth Gathering with 9 youth from my internship congregation. I wrapped up my internship with a great final Sunday with a fun brunch and a bit of hilarity when my supervisor debuted the three songs that she wrote/modified to honor me. With the help of my Dad and then future in-laws, and Tim I packed up the house in Connecticut and moved back to Philadelphia and the seminary. It was the biggest move that I have done since I acquired some furniture and more stuff in general in the last year. Oh, and it was the hottest week of the summer with temps in the 100s for the two days that it took to move back to Philly so that just made the process that much more fun.

We had no sooner moved my stuff into the apartment that we were throttled into full on wedding mode. The two and a half weeks that we had between the move from CT and the wedding FLEW by so quickly! We squeezed two bridal showers, a dress fitting, made the programs, entertained various guests, and endured the general chaos that ensues before a wedding in about 17 days - it was nuts. But, the stress and organization that we kept in the planning process paid off when it was time to relax and enjoy the wedding from start to finish. From the rehearsal on Friday to the brunch on Sunday everything was absolutely wonderful! Tim and I were really quite relaxed for the whole wedding day and I believe that it was our easy going attitude about the whole thing that contributed to the day going as well as it did. If you would like to see pictures you can go to http://perfectday.smugmug.com/weddings and look for the Annemarie and Tim wedding - we absolutely love the pictures and were amazed at the candids that the photographers caught.

After the wedding we headed off to Punta Cana, Dominican Republic for our honeymoon. We had mixed opinions about the whole experience. I think that the DR (Dominican Republic) is still struggling with the tourism that has really picked up in the last 5 years or so. At the resort we encountered a mixed reception from the staff - about 1/3 were happy to see and help us and the other 2/3 were not as willing to act like they were enjoying their job. In the end the goal of the trip, to relax and enjoy time away from the real world, was most certainly acheived as we enjoyed afternoons by the pool with drinks that flowed like water. We would not, however, travel back to the DR in the near future and would like to try some other Caribbean islands like Jamaica or the Bahamas on our next trip.

So now we are successfully moved into our apartment with just a few more things to find a place for - like the microwave and toaster oven. We are really enjoying married life and finally getting to live together after 20 months of being engaged. Tim has been having some fun with the food processor and making his own hummus and salsa. His next project will be some homemade pesto sauce and so far he has done a great job with cooking. I am looking forward to trying to bake some pies and finding new ways to help us develop healthy eating habits together.

Life is not slowing down now that we are married. We have just started classes at the seminary and we will both be working hard as we finish our studies. Tim will be looking to finish his thesis for his Master of Sacred Theology degree and I will have 5 classes this semester as I continue to make progress towards the goal of ordination. We should know where we will be living next year by mid-February so for now we are just hanging out and enjoying the student life.

Hopefully this update will spur me to write more in the near future. Being back in classes with a new group of folks on campus might just be the inspiration I needed to write more here. Although, being a senior at seminary also means that you no longer care about anyone else but the friends that you already have - we dont know most people on campus because we were in internship when they started or they are brand new to campus and its just too much effort to make new friends that we will probably not see for a while again. Oh well, they will just think that we are just stuck up seniors like we thought other seniors were - so continues the circle of life at seminary.

Checking Out

So I was at SUPERvision (I capitalize the 'super' because I want to make myself think that the experience is something super even though it is usually pretty average) last week and my supervisor recalled to me a conversation she had with some people from NJ the week before. They asked her if I was "checking out" since my time here on internship was coming to an end and I she emphatically answered that I was definitely not slowing down in my work. While I was flattered at this praise and recognition of my hard work I had to stop and think about whether this was true. That same day I won my 4000th game of free cell in a row and I have probably watched more World Cup Soccer matches than she thinks I have.

The idea of 'checking out' at the end of a work term is something that I do not think we can avoid. Personally, I have other things on my mind besides internship responsibilities with an upcoming wedding and getting ready to move into an apartment at the seminary. As the countdown to the wedding gets smaller my checklist gets longer that is beginning to get more of my attention than internship related work. In all honesty, I would rather be doing wedding stuff than internship stuff anyway. Keeping myself focused on the projects and responsibilities of the church has been hard but not impossible and so I guess I have been able to keep from making it known to others that I am 'checking out' but in my heart I know that I am.

23 days to go until I move back to NJ

"When you grow up..."

One of the more challenging aspects of being an intern is making sure that your role in the congregation is clear as a pastoral leader. I thought that I had done a pretty good job of this through insisting that I be called 'Vicar Annemarie' or 'VAm' and yet today was a wake up call. One of the dear women from the congregation was trying to pay me a compliment - which I was flattered by - by saying "When you grow up you could come be the pastor back at this congregation".

"When you grow up..." I am 25 years old so how old do I need to be before I am considered grown up? I know that she did not mean to sound as ignorant as she did but the fact is that many people in this congregation have trouble taking me seriously because they see me as their daughter, granddaughter, or neice and when you care about someone like that you cheer them on no matter what they are doing. It is nice to have that support but I need them to be my parishoners more than I need them to be my family. In a year I will be ordained and, barring any kind of radical plastic surgery, I will look exactly the same as I do now and I begin to worry about how I can help people to see me as their pastor and not the teenager that they just want to pat on the back.

I just want to be myself with people. If I have to go over the top with the 'adult' behavior people might not feel like I am approachable enough so I am trying to find a good balance. I think that this will be something that I will need to work towards for a while.

So much to say

There are so many days when I am in the car or in my office and think to myself "I should blog about this today..." but then I get home and completely forget to blog about whatever happened that day. From feeling fat to wedding stress and wanting to kill my boss there have been various topics on my mind. Lately they have been more wedding related than anything else but what do you expect when we have less than two months to go and I live 200 miles away from home?

I had a fitting on Monday for my wedding dress. At this point in the process the dress fittings should be something to look forward to because they put everything into perspective and you realize how great the day is going to be. Well I walked away from that fitting feeling like a cow and had no support from my Maid of Honor that was there with me. I never smiled once the whole time and all she could say was 'smile!', not 'what is the matter' or 'you look great'. It made me miss my Valpo girls a lot because from freshman year on I never felt like I was getting anything less than an honest and supportive opinion from any of my friends. My MOH is a friend from high school and I think that we have grown apart more than either of us expected to which is fine but right now it's frustrating because she is just not catching on.

It was also hard to be at a dress fitting without my Mom. Actually, the whole dress process has been particularly difficult to do without my Mom. From day one of shopping I have been trying to keep my emotions in check and just get through it without too many hiccups and I think it caused me to settle on a dress that fit the criteria that I thought that I wanted when it might not be my 'dream' dress. I never had a 'dream' dress and this dress is going to be just fine but I think that any dress that I would have gotten would still feel like a mistake because Mom was not able to help. I will say that Karrie Tallon is my personal hero right now because she emailed me from Rome, Italy to tell me that everything will be ok and that Mom really is with me in this whole process and would be so happy with the choices I have made - especially Tim :)

I have about 5 weeks left on internship and there are moments when it feels like 5 weeks is not enough time to finish all that I need to and other moments when it feels like an eternity. Tim was here last week and will be back for the last week in July so in between I need to finish my internship project, my approval essays and my final evaluation - 3 things that are nothing short of epic to complete. All in all it will be a good 5 weeks with a trip to San Antonio with the youth group (who I will probably miss the most!) and Vacation Bible school with the kiddos that make me smile every Sunday morning. So it will be a good 5 weeks.

Well, in all honesty, that is all that is going on right now. Wedding inviations are out and we are now waiting for responses. If you did not get an invite please do not take it personally but blame Powerball and Mega Millions for not matching our tickets all those times that we played for all of those millions. You could also blame my Dad's mother for having 10 children and therefore giving me 25 first cousins who are mostly my age and most of which have spouses that are automatic invites. If I had millions we would all be together for a week having a blast and celebrating like rock stars.

36 days until I move home; 56 days until I start a new life

El Amigo

El Amigo is also known as "The Friend" "El Friend" and "The Amigo" and is one of the best 'restarants' in the Vale of Paradise that is my college town. This is where you will find drunken students/townies at random times of the evening either because they are drunk and need some food or are just plain bored - both of which are common states of being in Valpo. At this fine establishment one can get many varieties of Mexican cuisine such as the burrito and the taco - actually there are a few things on the menu that are better than burritos and tacos but most of my friends dare not experiment.

This evening I was up late, as usual, watching The Daily Show and The Colbert Report and really craving some tacos from El Amigo and wishing that I did not live in a town that shuts down at 10. El Amigo is open until 3am and would never close its doors to a hungry student, or townie. So this evening I devote this blog to El Amigo and those scary guys who work there. I never did find out what that steak really was... Long live "The Amigo"!

3000

Many, if not all, of those who read this blog do not know that I am addicted to Free Cell. I have a game program called Solitaire Till Dawn and it has become a major distraction. Well, today I reached a milestone in my Free Cell career - I have won 3000 games in a row, that's right my winning percentage is 100%! Seems pretty impossible doesn't it? Well, technically it is but with this program I can make reverse moves and figure each game out like a puzzle instead of only being able to play until I am stuck. This may seem like cheating to some but in many ways it adds to the lure of this game for me. Not only am I playing against the clock but I am also keeping my mouse/eye/brain coordination keen for the future. My fastest game is 40 seconds - yeah thats right, I am a free cell master!

In other news... I had previously thought that I had set up my comments page in a way that would prevent random advertisments but apparently I hadn't. I have alerted the local media and they made it the top story and I have since changed the set up so that only those who can see those squiggly letters and type them in the box will be able to bless my blog with their comments. I would like to thank Christine for bringing this to my attention - what would I do without her?

Checking In

I am so happy that today is May 1. April kicked my butt big time. Between teaching first Holy Communion, Holy Week, and my Internship Project I really wore myself out. Last week I was a little more than tired and really felt like I had 'checked out' for lack of energy to care about anything important. The one thing that kept me on track for the week was a funeral that I had on Saturday. It was the first funeral that I presided over alone - Pastor Nagle was in her 'retirement home' in Vermont (at least she told me she was going up there this time...). You know you have a crappy funeral director when he leaves during the service to wash his car. And believe it or not this was not the first clue that we had that he was an idiot.

So with the start of May I am checking back in for the next 3 months. 90 days until I am out of here! I will be away for 13 days of this month so I am sure it will fly by in a flash. It's hard to believe that I have been here for 8 months already since some days it feels like I have been here for 8 years. Don't get me wrong, I love these people but after the adventure that was Easter I am about ready for a break. I have not been home or away from CT on my own at all since January and right now I am really itching for a change of scenery. I will be home for two weekends in May so that will be great and then all I have left is June and July.

Well, enough about that. I am going to bed. Busy week to come! Goodnight!

Peace be with you

Here is the sermon that I gave today. Read at your leisure and try to imagine me saying it because I think it sounds better when spoken aloud to try to imagine me standing in front of you inflecting and making wild hand gestures. The wide gaps between paragraphs are long pauses - I wish I had some sort of video recording to post instead...

Sermon for Sunday, April 23, 2006

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition, defines agoraphobia this way “Agoraphobia today describes severe and pervasive anxiety about being in situations from which escape might be difficult or avoidance of situations such as being alone outside of the home, traveling in a car, bus, or airplane, or being in a crowded area.” People who suffer from agoraphobia often become prisoners in their own home. The idea of being in an uncontrollable environment causes them so much anxiety that they would rather stay in their homes for days on end, sometimes years, before they will risk leaving. Their feelings of safety come from the closed, locked door that shields them from the unpredictability of the world outside.

Doors can be precious things. They protect and shield many people from having to face what danger might be lying on the other side. They also open to some wonderful opportunities and friendships with people that we might have never thought possible. Some doors are large, some are small. Some slid open and others revolve. Sometimes crossing the threshold of a door into an unknown situation can make us want to turn around and go back so that we do not have to face whatever is on the other side.



The disciples had locked the door. And for good reason, the people outside of the door were looking for them and probably wanted to kill them for being followers of Jesus. They did not know what to do. The last time they had seen Jesus he was dead – really dead – and the hope for the resurrection that he kept talking about was beginning to dwindle. They did not want to step into the chaos outside their door for fear that they would not be able to escape unharmed and so they stay inside. What were they going to do?

“Peace be with you”. Can you imagine the surprise when Jesus appears in that room? The room with the door that was locked – the door that is STILL locked. Before they can even begin to comprehend anything else he shows them his hands and side so that they can see and touch his wounds. They can feel him and yet he could walk through the locked door. He didn’t need a key or to tear the door down, he just walks in. Then they rejoiced! “Peace be with you,” he says again. Peace indeed! Jesus is alive!

There is nothing more to fear because Jesus has defeated sin and death. And as he gives this peace he reminds them that as the Father has sent him, so he now will send the disciples with God’s peace to share with all people.

What wonderful words those are, “Peace be with you”. The word peace can mean so many things depending on the situation. In Hebrew the word Shalom is known to mean peace but it’s meaning can go further than that and for many it means a sense of completeness, wholeness, and tranquility; relief, comfort and strength. God’s peace is what will make the disciples able to enter new situations without fear of being alone. That peace is also what makes us know that WE are never alone.



When my Mom was in the hospital there were these large 5ft. wide doors that led to the Cardiac Care Unit. You had to push a big button on the wall for the doors to swing open. Once the doors were open there was a distinct odor of what I call, “hospital smell”. Sanitized air that felt heavy and daunting. I walked past the first three rooms and then came to hers and approached another threshold. There were two large sliding glass doors to her room that were usually open but created one more threshold in which I had to cross. The nurses were always really friendly and usually someone like my Dad or Grandmother was already there so it was easy to go in once I saw them. It was as if Jesus had whispered “Peace be with you” in my ear when I saw them because I was no longer afraid and knew that I would not have to go through that experience alone.



September 1 was my first day here at Gloria Dei. I had already moved in with the help of Tim and my Dad and now I was ready to start my work at the church. I put on a nice skirt and top and got the things that I thought I would need for my first day together in a bag. I walked through the trees and across the parking lot, up the stairs and then to those big red doors. I tugged on one and it was locked – so was the other. I saw a sign that said that I needed to ring the bell in order to gain entry. I have to say that I felt rather awkward talking to the voice that came over the intercom. “uh, um… I’m Annemarie… the new vicar?… “ There was a buzzing sound from the door and the voice said “Come on in!” I went in. Down the stairs and into the office where I was immediately met with a key to the entire building, except one closet for which there is a separate key. In a matter of about 3 minutes I went from being a stranger on the doorstep to the keeper of the keys. What a welcome. I heard “Peace be with you” at the sound of Lisa’s voice and as she handed me the keys – all of my anxiety was gone and I knew that everything was going to be ok.

At those words, “Peace be with you”, the fears of what was lying behind those locked doors is beginning to subside. The disciples are beginning to understand what this resurrection really means for them. At first they had begun to think that their job of preaching and teaching with Jesus was over after his death, but now their job is really just beginning. They now have good news to share with those who have been mourning and living in fear after his death. They are at the threshold of a new journey.

But Thomas was not with them when Jesus appeared. He did not hear those wonderful words or see the wounds and face of Jesus. The other disciples tried to tell him what they had seen so that he would know that Jesus was truly alive but he was not convinced. “Unless I see the mark of the nails in his hands, and put my finger in the mark of the nails and my hand in his side, I will not believe.”

So what is the matter with Thomas? Does he think that the other disciples are lying about this? How could they lie about something so wonderful and uplifting? Thomas wants things to be done on his own terms. He likes to be in control of his life and how he experiences it. If he is going to believe that Jesus is alive he is going to need some proof… well more proof than what he has already heard from his friends.

We want to control things and do them on our own terms more often than we want to trust God to be there with us to help. We become trapped in our own version of agoraphobic behavior, we become fearful of that moment of letting go and trusting that we are not going to be left alone. The more we try to stay in that locked room under our own terms the more we become like Thomas who would not believe until Jesus held out his hands to touch him.

We want proof that that everything will be ok and that we will never be alone in that hospital room… on that job interview… at the moment of death. And just when we think that we are going to encounter inescapable chaos – Jesus whispers in our ear, “Peace be with you” and appears as our family and friends, appears as our supportive church community, and promises that we will never be alone.

The fact that we share the peace with one another every Sunday is not because Pastor Nagle or the Evangelical Lutheran Church in America decided that it might be nice and neighborly to do. We exchange the peace with one another in order to build our community and to remind each other that in this body of Christ we are representatives of that peace for each other.

In this community our exchange comes at one of the most appropriate places that I have encountered. Some communities exchange the peace just before the offering is taken but here we exchange it right after the confession and absolution. We have just confessed to God that we are not even close to being worthy of the love and mercy that we are shown on a daily basis and have heard those words of forgiveness. What better time is there to hear “Peace be with you” than right then? It’s the hug of love and compassion that we need to feel in order to know that the mercy God has for us is real.

How many people do you know who do not have an opportunity to hear these words spoken to them and for them? How many people do you know who think that God has locked them out and could not possibly love them enough to actually bring them the kind of peace, love, and wholeness that we experience here? Maybe they are people that you used to see just a few pews ahead of you. For whatever the reasons there are people everywhere who feel as though God has abandoned them and are really waiting for someone to show them that the wounds in Jesus’ hands and side are actually for them and that they are worthy of that much love.

We are standing on the threshold of the door to finding the mission for the congregation. We will gather today to study the bible, discuss our faith, and make plans for how we will reach out into the world in the name of Christ. The world is full of chaos; in this week alone we remembered the Oklahoma City bombing and the Columbine Massacre and we are constantly aware of the wars that are going on overseas and next door and there is no way to know what we will have to face in the future. We do have a promise from God and Jesus through our baptism and this meal that we are about to share together that whatever we do, we do it as the collective body of Christ. We must always remember that no matter how thick the door or chaotic the situation Jesus is going to be there, whispering “Peace be with you”. Amen.

35 Kegs of beer on the lawn...

35 kegs of beer!! Take one down, pass it around - oh no the cops are here to take away our beer on the lawn!

It's Spring Weekend at UConn and the news has been covering it since Tuesday (it only goes the length of the normal college weekend - Thursday through Sunday). Interviews with police, students, police, and police were necessary to see how the police would handle those crazy college kids. Last night there were a few arrests for disorderly conduct and minor crimes. Tonight there was a big party crashed - there were 35 kegs of beer at the house. Now, most of the houses in Connecticut are HUGE because there are a lot of rich people here (there are also a LOT of poor people) so I can see how you can hide a lot of people in them without too much trouble. But how do you expect to hide 35 kegs? AND, how do you suppose you are going to CONSUME all of those kegs. As someone with some experience with kegs I know that it takes a lot of people to empty 1 and I think at one party we could have handled 2 no problem, but 35? Thats a little optimistic, I don't think anyone is that popular I don't care how many frats you might have pledged or nerds you promised hot girls to. If 1 keg produces about 165 12 oz cups of beer. That means that 35 kegs produces 5,775 12oz. cups of beer!! Seriously, I know that the US is all about 'thinking big' and indulging in things but that is just ridiculous.

Here is a link for your reading pleasure http://www.queensjournal.ca/articlephp/point-vol132/issue16/news/lead1
Sorry, I don't know how to make pretty links without all of the schmutz.

The most sad part of this whole situation is the fact that this story was reported within the first 5 minutes of the news cast and actually beat out the Chinese President's visit to Yale University. I won't even go into the report titled "Oil Changes Undercover" with the boob at the Jiffy Lube who basically said that any and all kinds of driving are considered "severe conditions" and that everyone should get their oil changed every 5 minutes, I mean every 3000 miles - no matter what your owner's manual might say (those people that made the car have no idea what they are talking about apparently).

Welcome to Connecticut! Only 101 days left!!!