I have a confession to make...

I dread going to sleep at the end of the day. In my short experience in living alone I have been reminded of my neurotic tendency to freak myself out when I am in a dark place. After get into bed and turn off the light I begin to hear the house settle and try to convince myself that all of those sounds have nothing to do with what I would hear if someone were in my house and trying to get me. Eventually I wear myself out worrying and fall asleep. When I awake in the morning I kick myself for wasting my energy worrying about nothing at all. After 6 months of this nonsense I am beginning to get a little upset with myself. What 25 year old is still afraid to go to sleep because, essentially, they are afraid of the darkness? Well, at least one. I have done everything from Tylenol PM to listening to music to help me sleep better and through the whole night. I keep one of my old field hockey sticks next to the bed in case I need to fend off some burglar. I also keep two phones (cell and land line) handy in case I need to dial 911 quickly. I am a nut, I know, but I cannot help it.

In all honesty I think that a lot of this has to do with the death of my mother. This is not a cop-out explanation so stay with me on this. Over the past year and a half I have developed an extreme fear of my own death - so much that I have become a much safer driver and am more aware of the people around me. It sounds a little neurotic and it probably is but it seems that the only thing that helps me calm down is being with Tim. I am not trying to be cute and lovey dovey, but honestly being with him makes me feel like life is going to go on for a very long time. So when I am not with him I also worry about him having a car accident and all kinds of other things because losing him would probably be more than I could handle.

So I guess I am just in fear of death and all that goes with it because it sucks and there is nothing that can bring that person back. The good thing is that I am a Lutheran and understand that I have already died to sin and am alive in the resurrection of Christ. Tim is a great example for me in this because he is always confident and not afraid of death at all he is able to live in hope and faith. Good thing I am marrying him - he just makes life better, and I tend to get more sleep when someone else is in the house with me.